Dr. Jack Schafer's Friendship Formula: How to Make Friends or Lose Them


                                                               Courtesy of Amazon 

"Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone"
  From Maya Angelou's poem, "Alone"

Dr. Angelou is right. Nobody can make it in the world alone. People need people. Everything is interrelated. Recently, I had car trouble.  My over 300,000k miles sedan needed an alternator, but I did not know it at the time. Yes, my battery light came on, but I kept on driving.  I didn't heed the signs (we'll discuss this in a separate blog). As I sat on the side of the road waiting for a tow truck, I started thinking about the interrelationships of life.  As social beings, we need each other, but not all relationships work out. Sometimes it is challenging to find the right people for us. I took my car to one body shop, but they could not do the job on my schedule, needed to order the part and charged me double the price. So, I took it to another shop who had the right parts, time and price. Likewise, making friends is a hit or miss game. However, according to Dr. Jack Schafer, there is a formula for making friends. After you make them, then you decide which ones to let go of or keep. Let's discuss...

Being Social is Required for Living

As human beings, we need each other. Do you plan to apply for a job or college?  You must provide three references.  Life can be more fun with the right people in it, but it can be a nightmare with the wrong people.  Not everyone is meant to be a friend, but it is important to have friendly relationships with acquaintances and colleagues. Is there an App for this? Yes, and a friendship formula, too. 

Friendship Formula

Dr. Jack Schafer is a psychologist, professor, intelligence consultant, and former FBI special agent. He has written several articles and books about human nature. 

There are several versions of Dr. Jack Schafer's friendship formula, as referenced in his book The Like Switch, but I will reference the article "The Formula for Making and Keeping Friends" by Brian Maynor:

Per the article, The Formula for Making and Keeping Friends by Brian Maynor

Proximity - Geography matters

We make friends with people who are close to us by distance.  Therefore, we are more likely to make friends with people in our neighborhoods, schools or community. Yes, people can make friends online,  but even those friendships will not last unless the people eventually meet face-to-face. 

In your classroom, you are more likely to make friends with people who you sit next to. In a neighborhood, you are more likely to make friends with people who live next door to you. In a community, you are more likely to make friends with people who you share a common interest group or club. 

What does this mean? 

To make friends, consider if you are in the right environment to meet the types of people whom you are attracted. If you like sports, then join a sports group. If you like art, then join an art group. If you wonder why you are not connecting well with someone, then consider if your proximity is an issue. 

Likewise, if you want to lose a friend, then create distance. Stop going where you are likely to interact with this person. This may be hard to do with neighbors or co-workers, but you could make the interactions more professional instead of social. 

Joining the right circle could increase your chances of meeting the people with whom you share common interests. 

Frequency - Numbers matters

We make friends with people who we see on a regular basis. If you see a person once a week, then you have a better chance of becoming friends with them instead of a person whom you see once a year. I have a friend whom I only see four times a year, but there was a time when we worked on a project and saw each other frequently. Since our friendship is established, we are able to maintain our friendship even though we see each other sparingly.  

What does this mean?

To develop a friendship with a person, consider the frequency of your interactions.  Make sure to spend time together, often, like going to the movies, seeing a show, etc. 

Likewise, if you want to lose a friend, stop spending time with them. Now, some people feel that ghosting is rude.  This happens when a person disappears without a verbal explanation. The person stops making phone calls and just disappears. Are explanations for ending a friendship always required? It depends.  Some people will tell you and some won't. It is like going on a date and the person says they will call and never do. They didn't call because they were not interested in pursuing the relationship. This might hurt if you had high expectations, but it is a good thing in disguise because there are no benefits in being with people who do not want to be with you. In reality, people can be here today and gone tomorrow.  Understanding this reality about life is wise and prevents you from being too attached to people who are in your life for a season and not for the long-term. Hold on loosely to people until they earn your trust and affection. 

Spending time with people is a way to make friends.  This is a reason why most of our friendships are developed with co-workers, club members, and people in our immediate circle. To lose people, stop spending time with them. 

                                                                 Courtesy of Belle Co

Duration - Years, Days, Minutes and Hours matter

To develop friendships, spend sufficient time with people. You are more likely to make friends with people with whom you converse with for hours than with people whom you have quick chit-chats. The purpose of friendships is to interact with people with whom you know very well. The only way to get to know people well is to spend time with them. 

What does this mean?

Make time for your friends.  Be with them on special occasions like birthdays and graduations.  To make friends, be a friend.  

If you wonder why a friendship is not working out, then consider how much time you spend together. Increase the duration of your interactions. Invite your friends for lunch dates, walks in the park, or dinner. Realize that the amount of time that you spend with a person matters.  Likewise, if you are not interested in a friendship, then decrease how much time you spend with the person. 

Courtesy of Stockio

Intensity - Chemistry matters

The reasons why some people connect and others do not is due to chemistry. Everybody is not for everybody.  Human nature.  It is a matter of taste. I remember my Mother telling me once that a person who I really liked did not like me.  I was not sure how and why she knew that. She was right, like most Mothers. I have become my Mother.  Magical thinking is a path to disappointment. In reality, we have types of people who we naturally get along with and others we do not. Chemistry. We can not make people love us or want to be our friend. Should we be civil? Yes.  Should we be friendly? Yes. Do we have to be friends? No. 

What does this mean?

Avoid beating yourself up if the friendship formula does not work for you with a person. Yes, you can do all of the right things and still not become friends with people. We all have personal values and tastes. We like people who we trust and feel comfortable being around. There can be a million reasons why one relationship works but another one does not. Be secure in who you are as a person. Do not take a person's choice not to be your friend personally. It is just a matter of taste. Keep trying and you will meet your tribe.

Personal Commentary

I was introduced to Dr. Schafer's formula at a banquet. The speaker, a medical doctor, shared some advice he learned with the audience.  Knowledge is power.  If you have a question, more than likely, there's a book with an answer.  However, these books are theories, and not absolute facts. Pluto was a planet, but it is not now. Go figure.  

Below are some additional friendship factors that I have learned:

Economics - Money matters

No romance without finance.  Sounds mean, but it is true. The people who marry with financial problems end up divorced, mostly. Even with friendship, money matters.  It is difficult to be friends with people who are not able to contribute their share financially. I remember a friend complaining to me about their partner who always needed a ride because they did not have a car. Eventually, the friendship ended. And in romantic relationships, it is risky being intimate with partners when salaries are not comparable. I read a book where the character was the giver in the relationship. Her partner was saving his money. The girl thought they were building a life together.  Finally, when he saved up enough money, he left her. Sounds mean, but it is true. Reciprocity is important for friendships. Watch out when you are a giver. More than likely, the receiver is taking advantage of you and will leave when the time is right. Sad, but true. 

What does this mean?

Financial compatibility matters in friendships.  What priority it has in a relationship depends on the people involved. 

Age - Generations matter

Can people with large age gaps be friends? It depends. However, mostly, people are more likely to be friends with people in their age group because they have more in common. What about the occasional partners with 20 or more years age difference? It happens. They can be friends if they have enough in common, and some are even romantic partners.  You could have a great friendship with a teacher or mentor, who is much older than you. In this case, age does not matter. There are different kinds of friendships. However, society frowns upon an over thirty-year old adult who tries to make friends with a teenager just for the sake of being friends, etc.  

What does this mean?

Seek opportunities to be with people who are in your age group. If a friendship does not work, perhaps a large age difference is a factor. 

Maturity - What are you/going through matters

You can meet the right person at the wrong time in your life. Sad but true.  In my younger years, there were friendships that I could have had that I messed up. Why? Because I was not ready. I am better now, but I will never get those friendships that I could have had.  And, yes, I wasted time on friendships that had no chance in heck of working.  They were hard lessons, but I know better now. People can smile and hide a lot of pain at the same time.  You may see an interesting person and would want to be friends with them, but they seem occupied or not interested. Instead of taking it personal, consider that they could be dealing with an intense family or mental health challenge that makes them not a good friendship partner. 

What does this mean?

Give yourself grace. Life is a learning experience. If you mess up a friendship, learn from the experience and be a better person. If a person is not able to be your friend, then it could be that they are occupied with issues that you are not privy to know. 

Why/Why Not? - Reasons matters 

Everything happens for a reason, even when we do not know the reasons why. I write this blog because I enjoy sharing knowledge. You are reading this blog because you are interested in the topic. As the Eurythmics sang, "Everybody's looking for something."   There are reasons why some friendship thrive and others do not. The friendship formula is a tool that can be used to evaluate your efforts to meet people and make friends, but it is not a guarantee.  However, most of my friendships were developed with people who I was close to geographically - proximity.  Our relationship grew after we spent time together - frequency. We grew closer after we spent more time together - duration. And, since I liked their personality, we became friends - intensity.  

Warning

The friendship formula can be used by players and manipulators to trick you into a relationship for personal gain. Their main goal is to get benefits from people even though they are insincere. They pretend to be long-term even though they are in it for a minute. They are self-serving and don't see anything wrong with lying to get what they want, which is access to your house, money and body for sexual favors.  They look for easy prey within reach - proximity. They try to be around you as much as possible - frequency.  They plan on spending a long time talking on the phone and being with you on special occasions - duration. And, they are good at love bombing for a while - intensity. But, overall, they are players because relationships are just games to them that only last for a little while. So, be careful out there. Unfortunately, there are wolves looking for prey. 

Choose life!

Live your life! There are a lot of good people looking for good people. If a relationship does not work out for you, then have the courage to let it go.  If you are playing offense to score friends, there could be forces playing defense to block you.  Understand that obstacles such as racism, tribalism, sexism, territorialism and colorism exist. However, winners don't let obstacles keep them from achieving their goals. Believe there is love out there for you and it will find you. Keep the faith and eventually, you will find your people!



Lean On Me by Club Nouveau, based on Bill Withers

References:

https://whosonthemove.com/the-formula-for-making-keeping-friends-201499/

Honda Accord is over 300,000k!
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