In a previous post, we discussed ways to walk away from relationships gracefully. However, sometimes completely cutting off ties with
our opposition is not an option. We
are all unique individuals with specific personalities, ideas, complexes and tendencies:
Introversion vs Extroversion; Liberal vs Conservative; Warm vs Cold. Relationships
require flexibility and compromise. How
do we manage our emotions when we are forced to consider ideas different from
our own? Carl Jung and Analytical Psychology
provide insight on this conundrum through a concept known as “Holding the tension of the opposites.” Let's discuss....
Holding the Tension of the Opposites in Relationships
We hold the tension of the opposites when we feel none of our choices provide feelings of complete satisfaction:
· A couple needs to decide on how to celebrate a
holiday. One person wants to stay home
and have an intimate dinner, while the other person wants to go to a party.
·
A couple is ready to start a family but has concerned
about financial responsibilities.
·
You want to be a member of a group but are
unwilling to agree with the rules of engagement.
Per the article, Holding the Tension of the Opposites by Linda and Charlie Bloom, strong
emotional intelligence is the ability to coexist in the midst of opposing ways
of being. One reason relationships fail is the inability of partners to
compromise. It is natural to
self-promote our preferred opinions because the ego’s job is self-perseverance.
At the same time, self-righteousness clouds
our ability to see value in diverse points-of-view.
The only way to be in relationships is to understand
conflicts are inevitable. Life is about choices, but they are not always clearly defined. Rarely are choices all good or all bad; They
are usually a mixture of both. Inside of
a benefit can be a detriment, or vice versa. We make the best decisions based on the information we know at the time.
What am I supposed to learn?
Per Carl Jung, opposites create tension in the psyche. When we
deny the opposites, we push them away from our consciousness into the unconscious.
These repressed emotions become destructive in our psyche and strengthen our
shadow.
One way we are forced to face our repressed feelings is in our
personal relationships. According to
some psychologists, the personality traits that you notice and do not like in another
person are a reflection of your own repressed characteristics. So, ask yourself the reasons why you do not like a person. It could be because they remind you of a characteristic
you are trying to forget.
Feelings are Energy
According to the first law of thermodynamics, energy can neither
be created nor destroyed. Energy can only be changed from one form to another. I
believe our feelings work the same way as energy. When we avoid the tension of
the opposites and repress them, they move from the conscious to the unconscious. There the tension lies dormant beneath the surface
until a ‘trigger’ brings it back into our consciousness. The cycle repeats until
we truly ‘feel’ and learn what we need to learn. Then the negative charge from
the feelings can be transformed into something useful. Whatever bothers us is a
lesson in disguise.
We are both right!
By learning how to hold the tension of the opposites, we open space in our communities for diversity. This goes beyond the idea to 'agree to disagree'. Instead, we recognize and value the complexity of another individual to see the world differently from our own processes. We might even learn something new.
Reference
Image retrieved from: https://images.app.goo.gl/LhDmFxdhe4sqyFcT6
A Closer Look at Carl Jung's Individuation Process: A Map for Psychic Wholeness by Scott Jeffrey retrieved from
https://scottjeffrey.com/individuation-process/