In
2017, I started regularly writing in my journal. According to the article, Keeping A Journal Can Be Good For Your Health by
F. Diane Barth L.C.S.W, writing in a journal can help you feel more grounded,
manage stressful events and find clarity. At the end of the year, I read
past entries. I notice how major life altering events lose power, over time.
The circumstances did not change, but my perception about the issues and their
effect on me were transformed. Somehow instead of being broken, I became
stronger. What happened? At a recent talk about being in the middle
of change, author and Jungian analyst Dr. James Hollis, PhD shared a quote by Carl Jung that sheds insight on how
we grow from unfortunate situations and manage our lives in transition: “We
don’t as much solve our problems as we outgrow them. We add capabilities and
experiences that eventually make us bigger than our problems.” How? Let’s
discuss...
Life is an Adventure
In a previous blog post, I shared my admiration for
Joseph Campbell’s book, The Hero With a Thousand Faces, because of its concise
narrative and explanation of the hero’s journey. My opinion is our lives are stories full of
plot twists, trials, and triumphs. Our unique stories unfold through our
relationships with ourselves, families, relatives and communities. We travel a thin line of factors within and
beyond our control. Our ultimate goal is to develop a life overflowing with meaning, purpose, and peace of mind.
A major part of our journey is the adventure of moving from
the known to the unknown. Whether you
are moving to a new city, having a birthday, changing jobs, starting a
relationship or ending one, we are constantly moving from what we have
experienced to what we have not.
As social beings, we are made to be in relationships with others. Life is about change. The space of time
between endings and beginnings can be traumatic. By nature, we do not like ambiguity. How do you handle the
space of time after something has ended, but nothing has started to replace it?
Dr. Hollis advised in his lecture, “In-Between Times: Something Gone,
Something not yet” that we cope with the in-between times by paying attention
to our inner thoughts and dreams. His perspective is what is right for us
is already known by our soul. We already have the power. This concept is illustrated in The Wizard Of Oz: Dorothy already had the power to return home to Kansas.
What are the ways we can connect with our inner self-knowledge?
What are the ways we can connect with our inner self-knowledge?
In his book, Pathways to Bliss, Joseph Campbell suggests to
follow Carl Jung’s example: “observe your dreams, observe your conscious
choices, keep a journal, and see which images and stories surface and resurface”(Campbell,
page 112). Per Dr. Hollis, “When we sit in silence, eventually it speaks.
When we sit with darkness, it eventually illuminates” (2018).
Etymology: Remember
I love etymology, so I had an aha moment when I analyzed the
word ‘remember’. The prefix ‘re’- means again. The base word ‘member’ means to be a part of
something. So, when we ‘remember’, we reconnect with what already exists that for whatever reason we forgot or moved away from.
Imagine a boat stationed at a loading dock.
Over time, the rope that kept the boat connected to the station unraveled. The boat wondered off, taken away by the ocean waves and
the flow of the wind. Eventually, the boat is miles off into the ocean and far
from its beginning. The captain
rescues the boat. It returns. After some time, the process repeats itself in
different forms.
In this metaphor, we are like boats and the trials we have in
life are waves. Our captains are our community, spiritual practices, and our
methods we use to reconnect us to ourselves. This process is inevitable and a
part of growth. Getting lost is a part
of being found. This happens no matter
how focused you are in your life. We are constantly in a cycle of forgetting and remembering. This process transcends race, socioeconomic
levels, and education: We all have our Dorothy moments:
We get lost and have to find our way back home.
Strangers to Ourselves
Your closest stranger lives within you. In his book
Strangers to Ourselves: Discovering the Adaptive Unconscious, Timothy Wilson
says, “There is a great deal about ourselves that we cannot know directly, even
with the most painstaking introspecting” (Wilson, vii). This is because our unconscious mind operates
out of view much like the operating system of a computer. I have often heard
that one purpose in life is to ‘wake up’ to who we really are from the inside.
As children, we are given myths to live by from our relatives, teachers, communities and friends. These stories served us at the time and gave us a meaningful foundation. However, as we grow into ourselves, some stories no longer work in our new environment. As we grow, we add to our foundation to become active contributors to society.
As children, we are given myths to live by from our relatives, teachers, communities and friends. These stories served us at the time and gave us a meaningful foundation. However, as we grow into ourselves, some stories no longer work in our new environment. As we grow, we add to our foundation to become active contributors to society.
How Do We Meet Ourselves?
In his talk, James Hollis states that one way to reestablish
a relationship with ourselves is to pay attention to that which we resonate with and gives us energy and inspiration. What we care about drives the choices
we make. The process is natural, and cannot be forced. What is for us, feeds us; What is not for us, drains us. The inspirational energy
is either there or it is not. Some teachers believe that “events in the
environment can trigger goals and direct our behavior completely outside of our
conscious awareness “(Wilson, 2002). Through
self-reflection, writing in a journal, and meditation, we will see patterns in what
triggers our emotional responses. Therein lies our true selves, our inner
goals and aspirations.
These are examples:
· Candace Lightner creates Mothers Against Drunk Driving after her 13-year old daughter is killed by a drunk driver. Through
their tireless education programs and community awareness, they reduce the
number of alcohol-related yearly deaths.
· Edward Stanley Temple was the Head Women’s Track
and Field Coach at Tennessee State University. He turned his concerns about the
welfare of economically challenged African-American women into supporting and
motivating the Tigerbelle teams. Wyomia Tyus, a Tigerbelle, won a gold medal in the 100 meters at
the 1964 and 1968 Olympics.
· Deborah Bial, an educator and youth counselor,
created the The Posse Foundation which provides scholarships and support for disadvantaged
youth after she heard a youth say, “I would not have dropped out of college if
I had my posse with me”.
Candace Lightner, Edward Stanley, and Deborah Bial responded to what resonated within and found a life purpose by providing opportunities for others.
Relationship Cycles: Beginning, Middle, End
Generally, transitions can progress like a three act play:
Act I Beginning: a new experience. Joseph Campbell talks about the call to adventure. Something within us aches to be
expressed. We go on a journey to discover
ways to manifest our wants. Expectations are developed. A picture forms
in our minds of what we hope our new adventure will mean to us.
Act II Middle: within the experience. You are immersed in a new environment. Gradually, illusions change places
with reality. Trials are presented. You question trust and loyalty. An event occurs that causes major life altering decisions to be made.
Act III End: find meaning from the experience. The questions that presented itself in Act II are answered and resolved. Now, you must decide what to do with the new information. You are forever changed from the lessons learned.
Self-Responsibility
A highest form
of love is allowing people to be who they are. Others are not meant to change for us to make
us happy or to fulfill a void. A very beautiful moment from a movie is when
Jerry Maguire passionately tells his girlfriend, “You complete me.” Yes, it is a beautiful scene, but nobody can complete you. Healthy relationships are formed when people join together for mutual growth and support. Looking for your missing pieces to be fulfilled through
someone else is not fair to yourself or the object of your desire. And, it never works. Self-love is an
inside job.
Even within successful relationships, including friendships that last for decades, change still takes place. We constantly become different people.
Sometimes when I read my journal entries, I do not recognize myself. I am not
the same person I was yesterday, and will be a different person tomorrow. What often remains constant are my values;
our lives are a reflection of this truth.
How do we outgrow our problems?
We become ‘bigger than our problem' by acquiring wisdom. We
connect with thought processes that broaden our understanding of the human
condition. As a result, we increase our capacity to cope with triumphs and
defeats. From our experiences, we
recognize patterns in human behavior that prepare us for whatever occurs. We set healthy boundaries with others, and
practice self-care and reflection. Doing this does not temper our joy, but it
allows us to feel it more intensely by being present with what is.
The first time I climbed a mountain, I remember my body aching. However, after practice and exercise, I no longer feel the same pain as before. I did not solve the problem: climbing a mountain is still an exercise in endurance. However, I built up resilience and perseverance through practice. My desire to climb the mountain was bigger than my dislike of pain.
The first time I climbed a mountain, I remember my body aching. However, after practice and exercise, I no longer feel the same pain as before. I did not solve the problem: climbing a mountain is still an exercise in endurance. However, I built up resilience and perseverance through practice. My desire to climb the mountain was bigger than my dislike of pain.
My favorite quote by Friedrich Nietzsche: "He who has a why to live can bear almost any how."
Endings Can Be Good:
Endings Can Be Good:
Endings can lead to beautiful new beginnings. Often, we tend
to dwell on what left instead of anticipating what is to come. Stories
constantly begin and end; this is the cycle of life. We either go with the flow or be
overwhelmed. Per Carl Jung, "What you resist, persists." A good narrative meets a peace-of-mind criterion, or the extent of
having a story that allows you to look beyond personal circumstances and connect
with a higher purpose (Wilson, 2000). Find a story that resonates with you, and find ways to live it.
How do we serve a higher purpose?
1.
Self-care is imperative. You can only share with others what already
exists within you.
2.
Volunteer-connect with a problem you are
passionate about solving.
3.
Write-spell out your goals and aspirations.
4.
Boundaries-establish healthy ways of
communicating and giving to others. Help others, but do not accept
being used or disrespected.
5.
Find Your Tribe-connect with like-minded people
who share similar goals.
6.
Unconditional Self-Love-whatever trials you experience,
remember to love yourself unconditionally.
Find a Support Group:
Most people are recovering from some type of trauma. Whether
it is dealing with an unhappy childhood, absent parents, clinical depression, or
the death of the family pet. We all experience
loss in various magnitudes. Having a support system is an important part of
healing and recovery. Be willing to seek out help whether with trusted friends,
support groups, or community organizations when confronting life changes that
are too difficult to resolve alone.
In the article, 10 Ways to Make it Through Your Life's Transitions, Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne, suggests the following strategies to cope with life in transition:
In the article, 10 Ways to Make it Through Your Life's Transitions, Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne, suggests the following strategies to cope with life in transition:
- Appreciate the benefits of change: Use change to develop new ties, interests and hobbies.
- Focus on the positive: Since now you know what does not work for you, you can focus on what does work. Take this time to reflect on what happened and not why. Sometimes the end of a situation is a sign of positive growth.
- Realize that change is inherent to life: When growth stops, decay begins. Be gentle with yourself. Cultivate empathy.
Not all relationships are meant to last forever. However, it
does not mean that the experience was a waste of time. Surely, through the process, you gained
knowledge about yourself, others and the human experience.
Being in alignment with nature means that we are all connected
to a higher purpose. Not everything is
about us. If I have a picnic, of course I want sunshine. But what if my
neighbor is experiencing a drought? If
we believe that everything is working for our best interest, then we can see
that our transitions are here to help us grow to become the highest versions of ourselves.
The lyrics of the song, I Will Always Love You by Dolly Parton, illustrate having a positive attitude of acceptance during transitions. The best attitude is to be grateful for the
experience and to wish everyone, including yourself, the best-love. Then we can attract new beginnings.
Cheers!
References:
Wilson, T. (2002). Strangers to ourselves: discovering the adaptive unconscious. Cambridge, Massachusetts:The Belknap Press of Harvard University Press.
Campbell, J. (2004). Pathways to bliss. Navoto, California: New World Library.
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